I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
