omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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