I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
