I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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