he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
