my phone needs a breathalizer
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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