god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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