What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
