I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I smell stomach acid.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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