John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize