i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
