I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
