I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
