WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
