If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My ass is underappreciated
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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