My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
