In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
