i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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