This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
