Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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