I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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