you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
