Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
