It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
