The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
