Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Can i not drive my cunt home
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
