Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
