Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
