She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
