Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
