Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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