so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
