She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
and she was petting her beer can
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Semen is not good for contacts.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
