drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
