the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
