Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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