Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
