My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
