dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
