I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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