Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize