is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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