i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
