On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
