hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
