How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
