What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Randomize