Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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