dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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