our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Please don't give away my fajitas
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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