you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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