Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize