He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
