Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
