i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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