brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
