I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
