FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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