my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
