Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
