Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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