Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
