I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
