Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
