i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
