I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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