my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
