Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
3 2 1 whiskey
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
