JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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